But, how to get rid of the body.....? - Lisa Vanderburg - United Kingdom

Lisa Vanderburg

4 years ago · 2 min. reading time · ~10 ·

Blogging

Lisa blog

But, how to get rid of the body.....?

Oddly, I often wonder (with more than a bit of awe), how the bad guys in films get away with murder so often. It really, truly is HARD to get rid of a body!

because we've been up to here

with the practical side of 'getting one's affairs in order' in the post above, I wanna talk about what I left out: body disposal.

I DON'T TRUST JOGGERS.

THEY'RE ALWAYS THE ONES
LLURZLITUENS

JUST SAYING.

I have no lasting attachment to my body, thank God 'cause, damn...it's knackered. Once dead, I'm outta here - the important bit anyhoo.

But. Having done all the paperwork for the pair of us (heinously tiresome), getting rid of the bodies is a bit more of a faff. The trouble is choice. I yearn for a good swim-with-the-fishes idea, but ships are expensive to rent. Years back I looked at Promessa. They dunk you in liquid nitrogen to freeze-dry, then sorta crack you up (with a mallet, not jokes) and voilà - clean fertalizer! There's a few innovative ways like becoming a forensic offering so they can hone their bug-analysis, but there's no room on this wee island. Some curious and bizarre ideas here, including another one I'd looked at, Resomation - a sort of boil-in-the-bag way of reducing the body. Both Promessa and Resomation are hellaciously expensive; not as expensive as shooting your body closer to a celestial being or making it into a mock-diamond, but the upside is (as Randall Burns would know, being a Chef), a body only becomes a carcinogenic hazard because of cremation, not what the body expired from. If smoking killed you, cremation makes you...ah... worse?

Burial is, in my personal opinion, a waste of space. There is no way in hell that we're gonna pay £6-8k per pop(ped) to lie in perpetuity in perfectly good real estate. So we tried the 'donate my body to science' bit - nope, they don't want either of us: apparently the UK brain banks are overflowing in gelatinous substances with no current PD projects in the offing. Huh...that's depressing!

a mortician, I always tie the
ahodlaged of the Fr together
That way, if there is a
zombie apocalypse, it will be
hilarious.

~~Caleb White~~

I did want to tat my big toe to say 'place tag here' but what happens if I lose it before I pop my clogs??

Neither of us want all the pomp and lining-of-funeral-directors-pockets either, so we've decided on Direct Crem (David Bowie's the most recent fan). No service, no cars, nothing but a middle-of-the-night slot at the local crematorium and ashes returned to family. I tried to book it in advance but they wanted to collect us now. Got through to the 'hot-line' apparently.

Say goodbye to your dead, bring them out, and have a damn fine wake - that's a lot more fun!!

#sorta #Resomation #God #voilà #Promessa

Comments

Geoff Hudson-Searle

4 years ago #30

Lisa Vanderburg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SJUhlRoBL8M :-)

Lisa Vanderburg

4 years ago #29

#32
Dagnabbit - link's not going anywhere but buzzin' bees - can you resend Geoff Hudson-Searle? I tried to persuade my kids to just turn me over every other month in the flower bed, but they ain't having it - spoilsports!

Geoff Hudson-Searle

4 years ago #28

Well, Lisa Vanderburg I just hope someone will cremate me in Sedona and spread the ashes over cathedral rock. To add to all the wonderful themes, I thought I would share you one of the greats. https://youtu.be/jHPOzQzk9Qo

Lisa Vanderburg

4 years ago #27

#30
Not at all so long as you acredit me...thanks you Neil!! Thanks for the share here too!

Neil Smith

4 years ago #26

Liked this Lisa. Would you mind if I shared it to Facebook?

Lisa Vanderburg

4 years ago #25

#28
haha....I'd forgotten that Edward Lewellen!! it was a common refrain during the Great plague of 1665. Now that's a thankless job!

Lisa Vanderburg

4 years ago #24

#25
Hi Debasish Majumder - sorry for my absence; I've missed a lot. Thanks for the comment and share!!

Lisa Vanderburg

4 years ago #23

#24
No, dear friend Lana Liniger (BTW: you're meant to have a face on your profile here)....only the tale will be passed down. I even laid to rest my much-loved un-cut calvarium, Uther. No dead here (yet :) )!

Debasish Majumder

4 years ago #22

interesting buzz Lisa Vanderburg! enjoyed read and shared. thank you for the buzz.

Cyndi wilkins

4 years ago #21

#21
Just thought I'd 'buzz on' by on my broom dear Lisa Vanderburg...We sista's need to stick together;-)

Lisa Vanderburg

4 years ago #20

Many thanks, Lada!!

Lisa Vanderburg

4 years ago #19

#20
I too have burnt steak....shameable, I know Cyndi wilkins. Lord, it's wonderful to see you again!!!!

Cyndi wilkins

4 years ago #18

You just provided me with another reason to avoid cremation Lisa Vanderburg...Besides my past life memories of being burned at the stake! LOL! This post is wickedly entertaining ;-)

Lisa Vanderburg

4 years ago #17

Dang y'all! I'm humbled by the shares! Let me take this opportunity to introduce my new 'death and taxes' concept.... :)

Lisa Vanderburg

4 years ago #16

#16
Couldn't agree more darlin' - getting all those wretched boxes ticked means freedom to LIVE. That said, the process of getting one's affairs in order are enough to drive one to an early expiration date. Thanks for TWO comments!!

Lisa Vanderburg

4 years ago #15

#14
Thanks lovely Franci\ud83d\udc1dEugenia Hoffman, beBee Brand Ambassador! Death does rather become me... :)

Liesbeth Leysen, MSc.

4 years ago #14

The choice is yours, but before eternal rest, live fully

Liesbeth Leysen, MSc.

4 years ago #13

Once we are at ease with dying, we can fully live, love your article Lisa Vanderburg Thank

Franci 🐝Eugenia Hoffman

4 years ago #12

I like your approach to a morbid subject Lisa Vanderburg. This is a hilarious face-to-face with reality.

Lisa Vanderburg

4 years ago #11

#11
Damn straight Jerry Fletcher! Mercifully, we're more on the 'un-landed' gentry side, but I'm crossing ts & dotting i's just in case. I remember a funeral place in FLA that dumped a mother 's body back on the doorstep of a son who couldn't pay - hellacious bastards!!

Lisa Vanderburg

4 years ago #10

#10
haha Brian McKenzie - that's a keeper!

Jerry Fletcher

4 years ago #9

Lisa, Just make sure your estate doesn't have to go through probate. They demand proof of payment to the funeral home! Looking back on it is funny but at the time if I had a gun with me...

Lisa Vanderburg

4 years ago #8

#8
hahaha....it's all fun & games 'til that bleeding stuck gets stuck in your hyper-warp rockets......lol!!

Lisa Vanderburg

4 years ago #7

#6
Thank you so much for even reading this Ali \ud83d\udc1d Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee, and then, for the share! I know the topic isn't exactly up your alley, so it's all the more appreciated that you saw past it to the humor instead! :)

Ali Anani

4 years ago #6

Very unusual article- You had dear Lisa Vanderburg the antidote for death as a child "Possibly because we grew up with the dead. Positively swimming in skeletons as a child". Great article that only you Lisa could write. Your choice of topics is to the unexpected.

Lisa Vanderburg

4 years ago #5

Well, for Pascal Derrien; I may one concession to Lada and my spell-checker has left the portal. Ken Boddie; hahaha....gotta LOVE the dead! Randall Burns; I had a client who insisited I burn his onions black for his fish. Told him 'it's gonna kill you...you know that'. He died, dagnabbit. Thanks a million guys - glad for the thumbs-up!

Randall Burns

4 years ago #4

HaHa! That's great Lisa Vanderburg What a healthy perspective on the inevitable. It does cause me to stop and ponder these circumstances which I've never really considered before

Ken Boddie

4 years ago #3

One more thing, Lisa, I looked at the moovie, then turned over, but it’s not any funnier upside down. 🤷‍♂️

Ken Boddie

4 years ago #2

Ashes to ashes, Dust to dust, Hilarious post, girl, An absolute must. Call me a cab, Then steal all my money, Then call me a liar, If this post ain’t ‘dead funny’. 🤣😂🤣😂

Pascal Derrien

4 years ago #1

This is ''as you would expect'' a different take on what is not a piece of cake to dissect :-)

Articles from Lisa Vanderburg

View blog

5 years ago · 2 min. reading time

Related professionals

Randall Burns

Chef and World Traveler

Tourism / Travel / Hospitality

Fort Saskatchewan - Alberta

200 € hour

Liesbeth Leysen, MSc.

Public Relations & Communications Officer

Marketing / Advertising / Public Relations

Mol - Flanders

Geoff Hudson-Searle

NXD, C-Suite Executive, and Best Selling Author

Technology / Internet

London - London

You may be interested in these jobs

Account Manager/Business Development Manager in Toronto, ON

Found in: Jooble GB - 3 days ago

Micoli Group Inc. India

Account Manager · Account Management · Toronto, ON · Summary: Minimum 2-5+ years of experience with quota carrying and consultative sales in custom · development software or technology · Job title: Key Account Manager Job Type: Full-time · Location: Makati, Manila Philippines (R ...
Chief Engineer

Found in: beBee S2 UK - 1 day ago

Apply4U Jobs Chelmsford Full time

My clients are a global leader in specialised components and subsystems for innovative solutions in medical, science, aerospace, defence and industrial applications. · They are seeking a Chief Engineer · Power Electronics to join their team. · Their products are everywhere, hosp ...
Team Manager Children MASH

Found in: beBee S2 UK - 5 days ago

Reed Croydon Full time

Are you looking for working with children? Here is an opportunity for you to work as a Team Manager in MASH service. · The pay rate would be up to £44.50 per hour depending on your location and this may be negotiable. · Your key responsibilities will include: · Oversight of and w ...