Lisa Vanderburg

3 years ago · 2 min. reading time · visibility ~10 ·

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Love and JOY!


After the ouchie of my recent buzz Love and Loss, I wanted to follow it with the upside.

Action -> reaction-> blessing!

First though, let me thank those who cared and dared to comment; you are brave and noble! And I hope you will forgive me for your hurt at the time of reading.


That’s the trouble with secrets; the burden of knowledge cannot be undone. Pass a secret on at your peril for you must bear the price of it.
me

Now for the blessings - cue the music!


Our kids! My darlin’ husband was so sane it took him years to work out I wasn’t. But the greatest blessing was that we saw eye-to-eye about child-rearing. I wasn’t a perfect parent...like, who is?

So here’s my thoughts about nurturing - love to hear yours (I am crazy, after all :) )

1. Boundaries. To established safety and security for them, not you!

2. Unconditional love.

3. Allow them privacy within those boundaries; even babies need time alone, to chirp and sing and discover! Once the outside world hits...get to that another time.

4. Faith. They NEED to know there is a higher power than themselves AND their parents. It’s healthy and from this grows only good things like compassion, empathy and intuition!

5. Play! Playing with your kids is not only one of God’s greatest gifts to us, but it will teach them generosity and joy. Have ‘adventures’...we did all the time!

6. Accountability for their actions. Yup, the naughty-child bit. To me, ‘judgement’ must be fair and swift, but never gratuitous. Usually an offence was dealt with by an ‘enforced’ act of kindness to a neighbor (once old enough), like mowing their lawn. We found this helpful to teach respect and patience.


We had an absolute blast with these two boys for the 25 years they lived with us. Still do, but now with the double-blessing of wonderful, loving, grounded wives and grandkids, and I revel in being ‘crazy weird’! Just ripped that off from Joel Anderson's joyful buzz, being appointed "crazy weird" is the best title ever!



There are so many many blessings, but I will stop at the next and last one:


Forgiveness. 

It took me over 40 years and many failed attempts, but I forgave my father (and mother). True to form as he lay dying many years later, his last words to me were ‘oh, SHUT UP, woman!’

I might’ve mentioned that before……


IL BL, aNope....not his.


He was actually old Roman Catholic. I asked him in the last years when he’d go when he died (this was after his ‘I should be Pope’ business). He said, ‘I don’t want to go to heaven and play the harp with all those stupid people.’

Fun!


This is dedicated to those who dared: Bill King, John Rylance, John Rylance, Jerry Fletcher, Ali 🐝 Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee, Debasish Majumder, Jerry Fletcher, Ian Weinberg, Cyndi wilkins (the Dude) and Harvey Lloyd. Thanks y'all!


AND Debasish Majumder!! So sorry amigo!

"
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Comments

Fay Vietmeier

1 year ago #34

Lisa Vanderburg You have been in my thoughts & prayers ... visited you blog to see if there was any new posts ... Choose "Love & Joy" ... loved the video ... "Happy" Great post Lisa ;~) I love being a MOM ... point out to my sagacious son, now 22 ...that MOM is WOW upside-down ;~) ... sending a bee-hug ;~)

Lisa Vanderburg

3 years ago #33

#36
Wonderful summation, Roberto...I cannot decide which is the greatest blessing; guiding them or being them! There's something entirely freeing about sitting on the grass with super-imagined life going on all around you. What a boon! I guess most all kids reach that age where they are deaf, dumb & blind - but only to their parents. That's when we have to intrigue them with something new, as well as remind them we're 'old salts' at this game. Thanks so much for your comment!

Lisa Vanderburg

3 years ago #32

#34
Amen, Preston!

Lisa Vanderburg

3 years ago #31

#31
Many thanks Preston \ud83d\udc1d Vander Ven! That song is so....happy!! Yes, those moments of deep, abiding joy are what we all need to keep locked in our hearts. Life, despite all its turmoil, can beso very sweet, thank God! Be blessed and may life be gentle with you and yours

Lisa Vanderburg

3 years ago #30

#30
Well I am forever happy to receive another comment from you John Rylance! Your tale of parenting rings true - I remember when our boys were about 12 or 13, they decided to hold a 'conference' but a one-on-one to each parent, to tell us that they liked girls....just wanted us to know. It was a 'serious' affair :)

John Rylance

3 years ago #29

I'm daring to comment again Lisa. Believing a trouble shared is a troubled halved, my wife and I jointly reared our two sons. We presented an united front, as they often did to us. 

Lisa Vanderburg

3 years ago #28

#28
Thanks, lovely Franci\ud83d\udc1dEugenia Hoffman, beBee Brand Ambassador. Being one hundred and seventy-seven years of age has taught me it's about time to do the math myself, and learn to get over it. That said, it'll require a tome....could be tomb? :)

Great piece, Lisa Vanderburg. You face your challenges well. I liked your other post, even though sad because I feel it will help others that have endured similar situations. This piece reveals even more about how strong you are. Keep it up!!

Lisa Vanderburg

3 years ago #26

Ya know....I'd never thought of that! Was there a gun to his back too? :) Those pesky Brady Bunch......

Cyndi wilkins

3 years ago #25

#21
Funny how the trolololo man looks kinda like Mike Brady;-) RIP!

Lisa Vanderburg

3 years ago #24

#23
You'll never know Harvey Lloyd how much your steadfast friendship and guidance has helped me, even though this may not have been even though of. Typically, this balancing act is happening just after I've submitted my Advanced Directives...I'd better explain that another time :) Thanks Prof!

Lisa Vanderburg

3 years ago #23

#22
Thanks Jerry Fletcher....weird with a chance of frayed then? :)

Harvey Lloyd

3 years ago #22

No worries here. The dance of life has its swings and drops that we just learn to get past. You seem to get the balancing act. Loved the blessings and understand the journey of craziness.

Jerry Fletcher

3 years ago #21

Lisa, Sorry, I can't buy crazy after that list. Weird...maybe around the edges. Thanks for giving us both sides.

Lisa Vanderburg

3 years ago #20

#15
...only if they had to service them, which means it's probably still hot as...er...hades Cyndi wilkins! Nah, I think those peeps will be listening in perpetuity https://youtu.be/oavMtUWDBTM at decibels unheard of so thaey can't converse :) Godd - got you laughing, girlfriend!!

Lisa Vanderburg

3 years ago #19

#16
Amen to that Bill King! 'Course, I never thought to give shape to my 'how-to's', which I've only just thought of for this buzz. Must be a guy thing :) I absolutely agree with your beautiful statement: 'Unconditional love without accountability can become enabling and accountability without love can become cruelty.' Most grateful for your take, Bill!

Lisa Vanderburg

3 years ago #18

#11
cont: That tome - you should write it Joel! GOOD male parents that sit with their offspring and explain the ways of the world, of love, of honesty, or truth - are essential to human survival. Sounds dramatic I know, but I tended to be the discipinarian and talker more than my husband (no disrespect to him as he was more 'boys will be boys' & chuckle). So mu poor sons had a crazy mother with the reins :) What helped me was the conviction that my kids will be brought up in love and safety and knowlegde. We have our one and three-quarter-year old grandson every week for the day. Wow....I cannot get over how fast they advance when you're not with them 24/7. He's just got to the stage where he's attempting refusal of my calm but firm 'no's' - gives me the weevil-eye in the hope of out-smarting me. So I stand there looking blandly at him; he saunters off in a huff for about 3 seconds. I am MASTER of my universe :) It's all a question of how you say it and size.... :)

Lisa Vanderburg

3 years ago #17

Javier \ud83d\udc1d beBee......oh, what a guy to boo-boo with!! I'm so sorry Javier; you name is not on my list AND IT SHOULD BE! javier javier...I WILL AMEND immediately!

Lisa Vanderburg

3 years ago #16

#10
I cannot thank you enough Joel Anderson for your thorough and generous comment - everybody has their ways, but funny how there's no hives like Parenting, Nurturing, children etc here on beBee, because business may be essential, society and interaction vital, but family love is the reason for all! I do understand the sticky-wicket of 'unconditional love' as parents...you explain it better!! But even when punishment has to be metered out, it's clear you do it with love. Not easy to feel your own kid's pain; time-out or depravation or yard work (anyone listening, no steel-studded belts like my dad!), it is done with the very clear and necessary intention of making them better people! Love is ever-flowing...you showed me that.

Cyndi wilkins

3 years ago #15

HAAAAAAAAA!!!! Thanks Lisa Vanderburg...that just made my day! I'm sure the air conditioners are on HIGH in Hades for all the intellectuals gathered there;-)

Lisa Vanderburg

3 years ago #14

#5
You know me....I ALWAYS for get something. Thanks so my my friend!

Lisa Vanderburg

3 years ago #13

#9
hahaha....maybe faith was my only salvation, Dude! Either way, that Brit Atheist Richard Dawkins who's face I could cheerly slap all day (not because of his atheism, but because of his smugness) had all these London buses with banners that read 'There is no god so stop worrying and enjoy your life!' The government made him put the word 'probably' between is & no...lol! I might be splitting hairs with agnostics by hey....we'll never know (unless we're all wrong & get bleedin' re-incar-damn-nated!)

Lisa Vanderburg

3 years ago #12

#8
So right Pascal - I know that you're a great father because of exactly what you said; parents that do not understand fair and consistant discipline of their kids effectivly switch roles: they become the children. They do this mindlessly (IMHO) because they think it free their charges; it doesn't, it enslaves them in fear. Well said, my man!

Joel Anderson

3 years ago #11

cont.... Almost without exception it was one of those conversations between a parent and a child where this phrase would be used to try and champion a position or explanation for something done. And when used, the expectation would be--NO QUESTIONS ASKED! I could write a tome on this, but as I talked with my children, if this phrase was thrown into the mix, I would try to explain my unconditional love for them, but would also tell that at least for me unconditional love did not mean unquestioning love. Like a parent and child, they reflect an embracing, loving and enduring relationship. In my approach to questioning, I wanted them to see that I understood them and wanted THEM to think through things so that they would become stronger for the experience. I would also tell them that as a parent that I wanted them to grow up to be questioning/discerning adults that could see multiple sides to a story, assess and analyze them to come up with a position or alternative view, embrace the essence of life long learning and become stronger compassionate people in the process of questioning. And in doing so I can only hope that I didn't warp them in the process and that they know that regardless--my unconditional love is and will always be there. And a heartfelt thank you for the mention. Here is to all of us "crazy weird" humans out there.

Joel Anderson

3 years ago #10

Lisa Vanderburg What a great post. I am sorry I missed your other one but will regroup and read it. I found your 2. Unconditional love bullet to raise my own personal experience with parents and with my children. This is one of those interesting ones to embrace. On the one hand, unconditional is without conditions. Straight and simple. But it may just be one of those things that although black and white, there are various and variable shades of gray to it all. As a parent it is clear that the "unconditionality" of love, although a constant, somehow finds underlying shades of gray and friction that creep in to the specifics of any given moment. Despite that, the bottom line remains constant--unconditional love. When they did well, I loved them. When the experienced hardship, I loved them. When they misbehaved, I loved them. When they rebelled, I loved them as did my parents with me. As with my relationship with my parents, and mine with my children-this seeming paradox just kept/keeps creeping in. As they grew older, this simple phrase would find itself inserted into any number of conversations that touched on the other 5. Yep, it was usually in a conversation about a choice, a decision, an approach, a reaction, a consequence to something they had done or experienced and I wanted them to truly think through it all. cont....

Ken Boddie

3 years ago #9

Great tombstone! Even though I agnosticly sit on the fence, Duchess, I figure I came into this world naked and should probably go out the same way, forgiven or not for my less than perfect parenting. Anyway, where I'm going it’ll be too hot to dress up and I’ll be too busy partying with all my old cronies to worry about much else.

Pascal Derrien

3 years ago #8

Privacy and accountability !! The latter has been diluted by many parents who don't display too much of it, its a hard job but its got to be done ...

Lisa Vanderburg

3 years ago #7

#6
haha...well, if you see my dad..... Thank you, dear Debasish Majumder, for your humility and faithfulness!

Debasish Majumder

3 years ago #6

exactly Lisa Vanderburg! i firmly believe that hell is better than haven, where i could get association of pontiffs, pop, kings, queens, barons, nobles, and even ordinary mass like us. great buzz madam. enjoyed read and shared. thank you for such easily comprehensible buzz.

I love your dedication dear Lisa Vanderburg- it is a collective one and I truly admire it. Thank you

Lisa Vanderburg

3 years ago #4

#3
haha....you may need some filler for the gaps in mine :) I'll check it out; such a star you are & the double bonus is to make you happy!!

#2
My friend Lisa Vanderburg- your buzz reflected on my buzz on Fibonacci-Based Organizations. I have just added a comment there with reference to your super buzz. SO, I don't mind if we could exchange our brains right now.

Lisa Vanderburg

3 years ago #2

#1
You are so very adorable Ali \ud83d\udc1d Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee and I can see the impact of your wonderful Grandmother that you should remember this so clearly! Thank you my friend, for your faith and enduring kindness you have shown me. Can I have your brains when you've finished with them....pleeeze???? :)

Dear Lisa Vanderburg- your quote "That’s the trouble with secrets; the burden of knowledge cannot be undone. Pass a secret on at your peril for you must bear the price of it" reminded me of what my grandmother told me when I was about seven years old (that is ages ago). I told her I have a secret for her to keep. Her response still echos in my ears. She responded "if you can't keep your secret for yourself why would you expect me to keep it"? You set marvelous simple rules for parenthood. They serve as leadership rules. How to keep the authenticity of other while showing them what you think is the right way. I am sure your own experience developed you to be a great mother as much as you are a great friend.

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