Lisa Vanderburg

6 years ago · 2 min. reading time · ~10 ·

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Introspection

Introspection

It's not something I do much...

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I can tell I’m getting old; I have become sentimental. I spend my days watching and listening mainly. That’s what you do when your spouse has a chronic degenerative disease like Parkinson’s. It has lived with us for more than half our married life. Very rarely I will paint and if my hubby’s safe or asleep and I remember, I’ll put some music on. As a child, one of our sons once asked us ‘what was it like when the world was black and white?’

That’s the difference between silence and music: color.

Sometimes I can feel the sand running thin. My time is passing. I’m completely unconcerned about my life’s end; I have plenty of regrets, don't get me wrong. I don’t fear it; I will welcome it in many ways…it’s been a long road -   I    am    tired.

I rarely cry. When I do it is as I did as a child; silently, alone, unseen. So I made the mistake of putting on John Mayer, one of my favorites and got slammed with two of his songs I’d clearly saved. Bawl-fest….done for the year.

The first is 'Daughters'

Having only one sister left, I became the eldest in January 2015. The others have gone – one left way too early as she gave up breathing, something that the rest of us have longed to do all our lives.

‘Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers be good to your daughters too’

When I hear those lyrics it breaks my heart for what we never had, me and my sisters…what was denied us. For what could have been. For the love we had for those who loved us not. The little girl in me aches. Silly child.

‘Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without warmth from
A woman's good, good heart’

Yes, boys are made of tougher stuff. Their soft spot is the love they need from a good woman. That will be their strength. Hence the pathos.


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'Stop this train' 

is the other one; leads on nicely to thoughts of my babies – our sons. The first line echoes the question one asked 26 years back;

‘No, I'm not color blind
I know the world is black and white
I try to keep an open mind
But I just can't sleep on this, tonight’

Both grown, both married to perfectly-matched adorable women and now both sets have one child; we are blessed! We had no girl-children, which is a pity because they would have had a perfect father...she would have been loved. But we adored (and adore) our boys – such a blast we had raising them! Yet in John Mayer’s lyrics, I remember that quiet trepidation I felt for my sons when they finally had to fledge (a lot earlier than they actually left); I can relate to the son’s angst in the lyrics:

‘Don't know how else to say it
I don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again’

‘So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young’


And then, the father’s reply:


‘Had a talk with my old man
Said, "Help me understand"
He said, "Turn sixty-eight
You'll renegotiate…

Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
And don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly, we'll never stop this train’’


Boys leave their mothers once they have found their love. Girls still cleave to their mothers as they age. In a way, I wish I had had a daughter but not in ‘exchange’ for our sons.


‘Once in a while, when it's good
It'll feel like it should
When you're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
'Till you cry when you're driving away in the dark’


For my sons.

#Boys #John #Introspection #John Mayer #January
Comments

Lisa Vanderburg

6 years ago #36

#51
And your comment - right there, dear Hector Fong Mendoza, is what it's all about. You've made my day!

Lisa Vanderburg

6 years ago #35

#49
I am grateful Hector Fong Mendoza if I can touch someone else's heart...even for a moment. We are mere mortals.....

Lisa Vanderburg

6 years ago #34

#47
What a splendid library we'd have Hector Fong Mendoza. Pleasure to make your acquaintance!

Lisa Vanderburg

6 years ago #33

Thank you so much dear Milos Djukic for the share!

Lisa Vanderburg

6 years ago #32

#42
Thank you so much dear Deb\ud83d\udc1d Lange, Brand Ambassador @beBee. With your sons, you know exactly what I mean. You are so right in what you said in #43, it brings fresh tears...really must pull my socks up! You are a wise and attuned woman - I'm very grateful for you and the shares! https://www.bebee.com/group/cool-moms-and-those-yet-to-bebee-club Link to awesome ' hive!

🐝 Fatima G. Williams

6 years ago #31

#40
❤❤❤🐝🐝🐝🐝🤗😘

Lisa Vanderburg

6 years ago #30

#37
I am both touched and privileged that you added this buzz to your hive @cool Mom's and Mom's to be', adorable ...thank you!

Lisa Vanderburg

6 years ago #29

#28
Amen sister...long road ahead. - thanks so much sweet daughter for all the shares...can't believe you did it: created the Cool Mom hive!! Jump on in ladies!

🐝 Fatima G. Williams

6 years ago #28

#35
https://www.bebee.com/group/cool-moms-and-those-yet-to-bebee-club Cyndi wilkins :)

Cyndi wilkins

6 years ago #27

#33
#31 Okay love...How about the "Cool moms and those yet to beBee club;-)' Has a nice ring to it...and being a bit 'batty' is exactly what makes you cool Lisa Vanderburg!

Lisa Vanderburg

6 years ago #26

#32
Lana Liniger - my most beloved friend for soooo many years - how overjoyed I am to see you, my heart! This beautiful lady saved my life....and gave away all my fat clothes when I was dying. She (Lana) has the biggest-heart, ginormous compassion, joy to wrap the earth in and...Dolly Parton would have to bow outta the room for Lana's impressive mammories :) Love you Lana - BFF forever, cupcake! xxx

Lisa Vanderburg

6 years ago #25

#29
#30 Adorable Cyndi wilkins/ She'd have to head-up the 'Cool Ma's Club' as I'm old, cranky and quite possibly too batty! Thanks darlings!

🐝 Fatima G. Williams

6 years ago #24

#30
Come on Cyndi wilkins Lets do it but I ain't a mom yet am I allowed in the hive😉😉😉😉😉😉😉😉😉

Cyndi wilkins

6 years ago #23

#29
Hey that's a GREAT idea for a hive Lisa Vanderburg!!! Whatdoya think of a "Cool moms club' hive ?!?! LOl;-)

🐝 Fatima G. Williams

6 years ago #22

A beautiful read Lisa Vanderburg Your retrospection is a sweet blessing. I could almost feel your words and smiled at how proud you are as a mother. I can be your daughter and I would love to see this feeling of not having a daughter go away. I love what Deb says "Life never stops, it is nothing but practice". The truth is each of us is hurting/longing/regretting but which side we choose to look at and how we get on with being thankful like you just did is all that matters. Thank you for sharing your journey with us Lisa Vanderburg and I love meeting cool moms :)

Lisa Vanderburg

6 years ago #21

#26
Sweetheart and friend...I love you! You of all, know me best Deb \ud83d\udc1d Helfrich, so your words carry great weight, yet lift me right up! My wish one day would be to be like you and a couple others that rise above the hurt and see the sunrise when I wake...getting there! Thank you most humbly.

Lisa Vanderburg

6 years ago #20

#24
Aw....such a pure gem you are, wonderful man Tausif Mundrawala. As a son, and I, as a mother - we bring each other such joy and love and blessed comfort in these days of heavy hearts. God bless you too, my friend...I am thankful for you!

Cyndi wilkins

6 years ago #19

‘Once in a while, when it's good It'll feel like it should' Another gem from Lisa Vanderburg;-)

Lisa Vanderburg

6 years ago #18

#21
So true..so freeing. A part of me is forever lost in that forest - I don't want that part back either!

Harvey Lloyd

6 years ago #17

#20
intro to retrospection is a great process when we have a serving purpose. When lose the purpose it is a dark place. When introspection appears I try and stop and ask myself why shouldn't I take stiff drink and move on? If I can find purpose of service then I move into the dark forest 🌳 of synaptic chaos. But I know what I am looking for Sometimes I do enter the forest with only routine maintenance as purpose. Maybe an idea found on beBee will cause a new perspective and I need to let the synapses know change is coming They usually go into a feedback loop of "not again"

Lisa Vanderburg

6 years ago #16

#19
Oh man....you'll get me going again Harvey Lloyd! I lie: I often can't shut my head up (that tequilla would've been most welcome). My introspection turns to retrospection, which is why I try to keep busy :) I always see the beauty in the ugly (or try to). I'm getting better at it and your words encourage me so! Even he-who-shall-not-be-mentioned is getting a bit of a once-over! You are pure and priceless...a truly beautiful soul Harvey!

Harvey Lloyd

6 years ago #15

You may not do it much but when you do it is a deep understanding of the human existence. Although i understand your thoughts they fall so far away from my experience. From the child's end,, great parents are not appreciated until we age out of our pride and fantasies. When we see and experience all that was taught. I breath because down the road there is person place or thing where i am to interact and separate the person from the path. Sometimes its obvious and others it challenges us to understand our journey. If introspection is rare for you then i live way on the other side of town. I wish i could turn it off. Seeing inside the dark windows is a introspective life style of learning how to see, reflect and guide. Sometimes its a burden and sometimes its a ray of sunshine. Sorting our world is filled with possibilities, cycles and in some cases dungeons and dragons. Purpose is what challenges us to step forward. I would imagine that your boys now have a purpose that shows them the journey. Great read. After reading i wanted to bring the Bluetooth speaker and bottle of tequila over and just sit with silent introspection.

Lisa Vanderburg

6 years ago #14

#10
I have you and the love of your daughter to thank for this buzz sweet Cyndi wilkins...

Lisa Vanderburg

6 years ago #13

Aw...thanks for all the shares and introducing me to more wonderful hives, Pascal Derrien!

Lisa Vanderburg

6 years ago #12

#13
How lovely a comment Pascal Derrien - thank you! That's why you are so vibrant; one in four males are color-blind to some extent, so you make up for it by attuning other senses. Nothing like crying in a corner to make you feel like a kid again :)

Lisa Vanderburg

6 years ago #11

#12
My dear friend Ali \ud83d\udc1d Anani, Brand Ambassador @beBee...I know to whom you speak! We all have our moments when breathing becomes overrated.... :)

Lisa Vanderburg

6 years ago #10

#11
Thank you for your honest, open and gentle contributions CityVP \ud83d\udc1d Manjit. You must be an amazing father to both your sons and daughters..the way it should be. I wish all of you every blessing and joy!

Pascal Derrien

6 years ago #9

I am kind of colour blind well actually I see some colours but I am incapable of describing them or naming them except two or three so I guess I see things.... I see a great human being lowering the guard for a moment , taking a breather on the step of a ladder and wondering what life has still in store for her... The blues of a daughter and a carer ...beautiful :-)

Ali Anani

6 years ago #8

A heart-touching buzz. Music of emotions, soundness of wisdom and lessons of life experiences shall move the reader of this great buzz. I wuote: "Sometimes I can feel the sand running thin. My time is passing. I’m completely unconcerned about my life’s end; I have plenty of regrets, don't get me wrong. I don’t fear it; I will welcome it in many ways…it’s been a long road - I am tired.". Joanne Gardocki- you make me feel tears are running in my heart

CityVP Manjit

6 years ago #7

No matter how well we think of songwriters like John Mayer, we underestimate our own capacity to attach personal interpretation to what were already songs written with depth and meaning. The way we express the meaning of home is personal and individual to the values and culture we arose and developed within. The true meaning of multi-cultural society is not the cultures of nationalities or religions but the individual culture that is the most special of all, which is all the factors and situations which make each home something original and beyond replication. That is what I see here in the tribute to sons and what it would have meant to have had a daughter. That is what is most personal to you, because within my home, the sons remain in our commune, and it is the daughters who move away to make their own home, and my three eldest daughters have all done that. It is here that technology has undone distance and in particular the speed of video conversation that has fundamentally changed the way we used to communicate, as my own kids now to teach me to communicate with technology in a way that they accommodated as natural, but which I accommodate as culture change. What makes home that much more complex is when we add in the tough stuff and I acknowledge from seeing my aunt care for my late uncle who had Parkinson's what an enormous challenge that actually is. In all that this buzz puts life into the Vanderburg home and that is how I principally read and appreciate this, not just interpretation but as an introspection.

Cyndi wilkins

6 years ago #6

What a wonderful tribute to your sons Lisa Vanderburg...I have my one and only girl...and I simply cannot imagine my life without her in it;-)

Lisa Vanderburg

6 years ago #5

#8
Thanks sweet Joanne Gardocki. It is so hard to see them go...more possibly because we know of the trials and pain ahead for them as well as the joys.

Lisa Vanderburg

6 years ago #4

#6
Thank you Debasish Majumder, I am humbled and grateful for the share!

Debasish Majumder

6 years ago #3

absolutely stunning post Lisa Vanderburg! i am forced to share. thank you very much for such heart rending post.

Lisa Vanderburg

6 years ago #2

#3
Thank you Kevin Baker, and for the share!

Lisa Vanderburg

6 years ago #1

#1
Thank you so much Donna Wood - truly means a lot! Hate leaving my knickers out for all to see, but hey... :)

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